I've taken more than one week to decide if I feel like sharing this or not.
First of all, I know, I created this blog many years ago and the number of posts is ridiculous, life was going this way. I will not promise to write a post each day/week [well then... promise to whom? :P] but I want to talk without filter because the problem for me is that I felt like I had to hide my real aspect or personality because, taking a look around (fb, instagram or any other social platform), people is happy, colorful, of success, with social life and without any shadows.
Well I'm not that way!
I'm quite a complex person as any other, with black and white aspects and if you ask me to show you my happy moments I could have problems to do that.
I suffer from anxiety and depression BUT I'm always here!!! My HUGE quality is RESILIENCE and I know that I can kick a lot of assess :D
Usually I spend the double of time to do something but the result, for me of course, is at the best of my effort and passion; I can do the same things as other people and in the meantime i can fight the struggle and if anything goes wrong I don't panic.
I'm not so good at sharing my victories for three main reasons:
1 At the end I feel broken and exhausted.
2 I'm not very supportive with myself (but I'm the N°1 fan of a lot of people!), after some time I usually start to think that my work is fine but then I see the need for improvement and the loop starts.
3 I'm great with working groups, sometimes I become a leader and usually I'm the motivator and the connector, but alone I feel lost because I need to share and learn from others, for me the comparison is vital, so I hide my real self in order to avoid isolation.
So we said "share".
In the last two years I :
- passed the admission exam of the master course "Marine Sciences"
- went to Dubai for a workshop about "tropical ecosystems" and I did kayak in the mangroves, but the best moment was spotting a dung beetle in the desert during the sun set <3 (yes I know ....neeeeeerd allleeeert)
- went two times at the Maldives for university trainership and courses and for working on my thesis but I will talk about that in a specific post
- worked with two environmental organizations and with a quite famous aquarium
- did a cool trainership about the multibeam data processing (nerd alert pt.2)
- cured my old father
- participated to statistical courses (a huge effort for my poor little brain)
- did an oral presentation at the European Elasmobranch Association Meeting 2019
- took my degree with the maximum score
- went on two vulcanoes and on one glacier
- broke my finger, had a car accident, spent almost two months in bed for a pneumonia (all these stuff in less than three months, I'm quite sure it is a record)
- participated to the first Italian ocean forum
- got my gym membership (for an asocial as me is a giant step)
- took a free diving certificate
- of course there are a lot of other things that I couldn't remember now.
And in the end...I'm in quarantine for the coronavirus pandemic <3
Usually for me it is not a problem, I mean I passed more or less 10/15h/day closed in my bedroom BUT in the years I created a routine made of gym, swimming pool, trekking, new experiences, special night events and going to the university and work on my things.
This saved me from negative loop of thoughts and could allow to go away from this home that I hate since I was very young but due my economic situation I'm still here.
Why am I writing here all these boring things?
Because few days ago I discovered what was drowning me in depression during these quarantine days and I want to share it so that others like me may say "maybe I'm not alone!"
Since the discussion of the the thesis I was unemployed (I mean, I didn't work with my university),
everyone around me started to talk about their life progress: new boyfriend/girlfriend, new house, new work, the idea of becoming pregnant or creating a family.... And I was divided between people who want to share all these "cool" aspects of their life and people who want to share their problems and it is totally fine because I'm their friend BUT I started to analyze myself through their way to see life [example: you are cool if you have a boy/girlfriend and a nice work, you are cool if you are a 30years old woman and you are thinking about having a baby etc etc.]
And I started to feel bad, really really bad.
Y?
Because I'm not interested in those things.
In all my life every success or goal is finalized to become a good scientist and improve the knowledge about sharks and their conservation, from the gym to the university.
I'm not interested in "social standard" goals, I have a "mission" larger than life: sharks/ocean conservation.
I will be happy if in my life I will have a SO but this is not my priority.
Since I was a very young lady my priority has been sharks.
Like God for a nun, sharks and ocean are my "faith", I'm not interested in becoming a famous scientist, I want to study sharks and help them.
My passion is, as said before, larger than life!
I don't have any control on it: I have to follow it, like waves.
So if you are a dark mind (so if you like unconventional things) you have a strong uncontrolled passion, you suffer from anxiety/depression/any other health problem but you are resistant and involved in your things....well I want to tell you:
YOU ARE NOT WRONG, IT IS FINE TO BE THIS WAY BECAUSE WE ARE DIFFERENT AND OUR ATTITUDE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL OF OTHERS.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU HAVE WORTH AND THERE IS SOMEONE THAT COULD UNDERSTAND YOU WITHOUT SPEAKING.
And now.... let me upload the other sections of this blog and:
Mo ce ripigliamm' tutt' chell che รจ 'o nuost
[Now we take back all that was our!!!]
a gift:
https://youtu.be/aK2i5Ap5Ovo
First of all, I know, I created this blog many years ago and the number of posts is ridiculous, life was going this way. I will not promise to write a post each day/week [well then... promise to whom? :P] but I want to talk without filter because the problem for me is that I felt like I had to hide my real aspect or personality because, taking a look around (fb, instagram or any other social platform), people is happy, colorful, of success, with social life and without any shadows.
Well I'm not that way!
I'm quite a complex person as any other, with black and white aspects and if you ask me to show you my happy moments I could have problems to do that.
I suffer from anxiety and depression BUT I'm always here!!! My HUGE quality is RESILIENCE and I know that I can kick a lot of assess :D
Usually I spend the double of time to do something but the result, for me of course, is at the best of my effort and passion; I can do the same things as other people and in the meantime i can fight the struggle and if anything goes wrong I don't panic.
I'm not so good at sharing my victories for three main reasons:
1 At the end I feel broken and exhausted.
2 I'm not very supportive with myself (but I'm the N°1 fan of a lot of people!), after some time I usually start to think that my work is fine but then I see the need for improvement and the loop starts.
3 I'm great with working groups, sometimes I become a leader and usually I'm the motivator and the connector, but alone I feel lost because I need to share and learn from others, for me the comparison is vital, so I hide my real self in order to avoid isolation.
So we said "share".
In the last two years I :
- passed the admission exam of the master course "Marine Sciences"
- went to Dubai for a workshop about "tropical ecosystems" and I did kayak in the mangroves, but the best moment was spotting a dung beetle in the desert during the sun set <3 (yes I know ....neeeeeerd allleeeert)
- went two times at the Maldives for university trainership and courses and for working on my thesis but I will talk about that in a specific post
- worked with two environmental organizations and with a quite famous aquarium
- did a cool trainership about the multibeam data processing (nerd alert pt.2)
- cured my old father
- participated to statistical courses (a huge effort for my poor little brain)
- did an oral presentation at the European Elasmobranch Association Meeting 2019
- took my degree with the maximum score
- went on two vulcanoes and on one glacier
- broke my finger, had a car accident, spent almost two months in bed for a pneumonia (all these stuff in less than three months, I'm quite sure it is a record)
- participated to the first Italian ocean forum
- got my gym membership (for an asocial as me is a giant step)
- took a free diving certificate
- of course there are a lot of other things that I couldn't remember now.
And in the end...I'm in quarantine for the coronavirus pandemic <3
Usually for me it is not a problem, I mean I passed more or less 10/15h/day closed in my bedroom BUT in the years I created a routine made of gym, swimming pool, trekking, new experiences, special night events and going to the university and work on my things.
This saved me from negative loop of thoughts and could allow to go away from this home that I hate since I was very young but due my economic situation I'm still here.
Why am I writing here all these boring things?
Because few days ago I discovered what was drowning me in depression during these quarantine days and I want to share it so that others like me may say "maybe I'm not alone!"
Since the discussion of the the thesis I was unemployed (I mean, I didn't work with my university),
everyone around me started to talk about their life progress: new boyfriend/girlfriend, new house, new work, the idea of becoming pregnant or creating a family.... And I was divided between people who want to share all these "cool" aspects of their life and people who want to share their problems and it is totally fine because I'm their friend BUT I started to analyze myself through their way to see life [example: you are cool if you have a boy/girlfriend and a nice work, you are cool if you are a 30years old woman and you are thinking about having a baby etc etc.]
And I started to feel bad, really really bad.
Y?
Because I'm not interested in those things.
In all my life every success or goal is finalized to become a good scientist and improve the knowledge about sharks and their conservation, from the gym to the university.
I'm not interested in "social standard" goals, I have a "mission" larger than life: sharks/ocean conservation.
I will be happy if in my life I will have a SO but this is not my priority.
Since I was a very young lady my priority has been sharks.
Like God for a nun, sharks and ocean are my "faith", I'm not interested in becoming a famous scientist, I want to study sharks and help them.
My passion is, as said before, larger than life!
I don't have any control on it: I have to follow it, like waves.
YOU ARE NOT WRONG, IT IS FINE TO BE THIS WAY BECAUSE WE ARE DIFFERENT AND OUR ATTITUDE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL OF OTHERS.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU HAVE WORTH AND THERE IS SOMEONE THAT COULD UNDERSTAND YOU WITHOUT SPEAKING.
And now.... let me upload the other sections of this blog and:
Mo ce ripigliamm' tutt' chell che รจ 'o nuost
[Now we take back all that was our!!!]
a gift:
https://youtu.be/aK2i5Ap5Ovo
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